Relationship OCD (ROCD)
It is common for people to have some doubts about the suitability of their partner or the relationship at some point during their romantic connection. In fact, experiencing changeable or opposing feelings towards a romantic partner is considered a natural part of a developing intimate relationship. Similarly, we all pay more attention to our partner’s real or imagined flaws as intimate relationships progress. In ROCD these common relationship doubts and concerns or worries about the partner’s perceived flaws become increasingly impairing, time-consuming, and distressing.
Types of ROCD
ROCD includes two common presentations: relationship-centered and partner-focused obsessive compulsive symptoms.
- People with relationship-centered obsessions often feel overwhelmed by doubts and worries focused on their feelings towards their partner, their partner’s feelings towards them, and the “rightness” of the relationship experience. They may repeatedly find themselves thinking “Is this the right relationship for me?”, “This is not real love!”, “Do I feel ‘right’?”, and “Does my partner really love me?”
- People who present with partner-focused obsessions may focus on their partner’s physical features (e.g., “Her nose is too big.”), social qualities (e.g., “He is not social enough”; “She does not have what it takes to succeed in life.”), or personality attributes, such as morality, intelligence, or emotional stability (e.g., “She is not intelligent enough”, “He is not emotionally stable”).
Relationship-centered and partner-focused symptoms can often happen at the same time, and sometimes can even reinforce one another. Many people describe being preoccupied with a perceived flaw of their partner (e.g., body proportion) at first, and then being plagued by thoughts about the rightness of the relationship. Although less common, some people start with doubts regarding the relationship and only later become preoccupied with a flaw of the partner.
What Does ROCD Look Like?
In addition to obsessive preoccupation and doubts, both presentations of ROCD are associated with a variety of compulsive behaviors aimed to reduce their feelings of uncertainty, anxiety, and distress, or to reduce the frequency of such thoughts. Common compulsions include, but are not only:
- Monitoring and checking their own feelings (“Do I feel love?”), behaviors (“Am I looking at others?”), and thoughts (“Do I have critical thoughts about her?”, “Do I have doubts?”).
- Comparing their relationships with other peoples’ relationships, such as friends, colleagues, or even characters in romantic films or TV sitcoms.
- Trying to recall “good” experiences with their partner of times when they felt sure about them.
- Consulting friends, family, therapists, or even fortune-tellers and psychics about the relationship.
People with ROCD often try to avoid situations that trigger their unwanted thoughts and doubts. For instance, they may avoid specific social situations, such as friends they consider to be very much in love or having a ‘perfect’ relationship. Similarly, they may also avoid particular leisure activities, such as seeing romantic movies for fear of not feeling as “strong” or “passionate” love as the characters in the movies.
People with ROCD may give great importance to romantic relationships. Negative events relating to their relationships may, therefore, cause them significant distress and make them doubt their own worth. People with partner-focused obsessions may be particularly sensitive to the way their partner compares with others and the way their partner is looked upon by the rest of the world. Situations where their partner is viewed unfavorably or when encountering potential alternative partners, therefore, may cause intense distress and trigger preoccupation.
People with ROCD may have a variety of extreme beliefs about relationships that may make them more responsive and emotionally reactive to relationship concerns and doubts. These can include beliefs about the terrible consequences of being in the “wrong” relationships (e.g., “A romantic relationship that doesn’t always feel right is probably a destructive relationship”), about leaving an existing relationships (e.g., “I think breaking up with a partner is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone”), or about being without a partner (e.g., “The thought of going through life without a partner scares me to death”).
Extreme beliefs about love may also make people with ROCD more vulnerable to negative relationship thoughts or emotions. Examples of such beliefs about love may include “If the relationship is not completely perfect, it is unlikely to be ‘true love’”, “If you doubt your love for your partner, it is likely it is not the ‘right’ relationship” and “If you don’t think about your partner all the time, s/he is probably not THE ONE.” Similar to other forms of OCD, beliefs about the importance of thoughts (e.g., “If I think about it, it must mean something”), difficulty with uncertainty, and an inflated sense of responsibility (e.g., failing to prevent disaster is as bad as causing it) may also increase sensitivity to ROCD.
Adapted from International OCD Foundation.